10 Things I Wish I’d Known as a First-Time Mom

Hi, it’s me! Long time no see!

I promise I haven’t forgotten about my blog. I’m just in the trenches of motherhood right now. Ya know, the days where you have to microwave your coffee three or four times before you finally finish it? You can’t remember the last time you washed your hair? And lord knows the purple-monkey song & Ms. Rachel live rent free in your head (IYKYK).

I truly can’t believe Clarke is about to be ten months old. Time really does fly! She is growing so quickly and learning new things every day and it is so fun watching her develop a personality and become her own person as she becomes more aware of the world around her. Being her mom is my greatest accomplishment. But, it hasn’t been easy. Not by a long shot.

I loved her before I even met her, but if I’m being honest? I don’t really feel like I truly started “enjoying” being a mom until she was about 2-3 months old. Most of those newborn days are a blur…we were in survival mode, haha! I struggled. I don’t necessarily feel like I had postpartum depression, but I did have anxiety (and still do, just not quite as bad), and just felt very overwhelmed. Tack all of that onto learning how to breastfeed, dealing with sleep deprivation, and a colicky baby…yeah. Not fun.

But we made it. I have a happy baby now, she sleeps halfway decent finally, and we have almost made it to ten months of breastfeeding and hope to make it to a year. I so badly wish I could go back in time and tell myself all of this at the beginning of the year though. I wish I could let past-Tara know that it gets better. But since I can’t, the least I can do is share some words of wisdom for all you mamas who might be going through the same thing, in the hopes it can help you and make you feel less alone!

(Please remember these are all simply my opinions. Do not be offended if you think/feel differently.)

1. It’s okay to mourn the life you used to have.

If you’re new here, this blog actually started off as a travel blog. I’ve been to over 19 countries and counting. “It’s a big world, go see it” was my motto, and I did just that! I have been scuba diving with sharks, have hiked up volcanoes, and even walked next to the Great Pyramids.

I always dreamed of taking my daughter all over the world, and still plan to eventually! She rode in a plane for the first time at 6 months old and though she did amazing, taking a baby on vacation is a lot of work. I still plan to travel as much as possible, but it will definitely slow down quite a bit from my multiple adventures a year like it used to be.

I really struggled accepting that. I want to go-go-go constantly! I realize it is a first-world problem to be upset about not being able to go on trips like I used to, but I am still allowed to be upset that my bucket list is going to be put on the backburner and must wait a few years. So yes, it’s totally okay to mourn the life you used to have. Whether it’s your pre-baby body, activities you used to do, or even the spare money you used to have, it’s perfectly normal to be upset about it! These emotions are normal.

2. Don’t compare your baby to other babies.

I get it, it’s hard not to. When Clarke was about a month old, she was pretty colicky. I was so jealous of people with those peaceful, snuggly, sleepy babies. The hours between 5-8 in the evening were quickly dubbed the “witching hours” because almost nothing we did made her happy.

Gripe water, baths, gas drops, we tried it all! I finally caved and took her to a chiropractor, and it helped her a lot even though I was extremely nervous to do so. I wish I had done it sooner, because I didn’t get to enjoy my maternity leave very much since she was so fussy.

But I had to accept that every baby was different, and I couldn’t expect Clarke to be like my friend’s babies. Some babies reach milestones quicker than others. Some babies grow slower or quicker than others. Some babies are better eaters than others. Stop comparing your child to someone else’s! Clarke is absolutely perfect, and I wouldn’t trade her for anything. They all walk, sit up, crawl, etc eventually!

3. Fed really is best.

Though I have been very fortunate to breastfeed, please don’t let anyone shame you for choosing other methods. It does not matter if your child is breastfed, formula fed, if you’re an exclusive pumper, if you combo-feed, or even if you rely on donor milk. We are all doing the best we can and as long as our babies are being fed properly, it doesn’t matter!

Don’t believe me? Think of it this way; can you honestly look at an adult and tell how they were fed as an infant? Can you look at somebody and determine if they were fed formula or breastmilk? Nope. You sure can’t. So do what works best for you and your family, and don’t shame other moms for doing the same, even if it’s different from you.

They will all be toddlers eating week-old french fries from the floors of our minivans someday anyway.

4. Speaking of being fed…purees AND solids (BLW) are both okay!

If you’re a mom, you’ve probably heard of Baby Lead Weaning (BLW). The actual definition of it is to introduce your child to family mealtimes and allow them to self-feed appropriately served foods, typically modified versions of what YOU are eating.

However, it has become glamourized to the point where people on social media are making elaborate, special meals for their baby, which can make some moms who choose to feed purees feel like their baby is behind developmentally. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeding your child purees. I hate the stigma around this because even as adults, we eat pureed foods (Applesauce? Yogurt? Mashed potatoes?), so there should be zero negativity about feeding them to our kids too!

With Clarke, if you follow me on Instagram, you sometimes may see me serving her things like pumpkin pancakes and scrambled eggs with spinach for breakfast. Please know that I am NOT trying to “show off” by any means. I am a breakfast lover and am literally giving her what I am eating too! And also, she still eats plenty of purees as well. Don’t let social media make you feel like a bad mom because you don’t make your child a five-course meal three times a day.

5. Sleep training is not a bad thing.

I am sure I will get some hateful messages about this, so bring ‘em on.

Clarke was a pretty decent sleeper for the most part. Some nights were obviously better than others, but you can’t expect a baby to sleep through the night EVERY night. It is biologically normal for them to have wakings.

But when we transitioned from the bassinet to her crib in her own room, everything changed. I am not sure if she was scared or had separation anxiety or what, but some nights she was literally waking up almost every single hour. Some nights I even had to sleep IN her crib WITH her, which obviously isn’t safe. And the hardest part was that she wanted to use me as a pacifier; she had associated sleeping with nursing. I was so sleep deprived that it was affecting multiple aspects of my life; job, relationship, etc. I had heard of sleep training but knew there was some stigma around it, so I decided to do some reading about the different methods and form an opinion for myself instead of taking the word of strangers on my Facebook mom-group.

I had a friend recommend Taking Cara Babies, so I ended up taking her course. Her method is essentially the Ferber method and worked very, very well for Clarke with very minimal crying. We established a bedtime routine, figured out what conditions she sleeps best in (sounds machine, fan on low, dark room, etc). We also managed to get her to associate her sleep sack with bedtime/naps instead of nursing.
Of course, we might still have a rough night here and there, but for the most part she is able to put herself to sleep now. Usually, she will roll over and shut her eyes the second I lay her in the crib! I did not mentally damage my child by sleep training her, she still loves me, and now we both wake up happy because we are well rested! I understand sleep training is not for everybody, but don’t judge someone for doing it. We can’t be the moms we want to be when our cups are empty.

6. Take care of yourself.

While we are on the topic of empty cups…make sure you are doing things to keep yours full. I’m not talking about a literal cup either. I think as moms, some of us have a natural desire to take care of everyone else and forget about ourselves. Think. When was the last time you showered alone? When was the last time you watched your favorite show, read a book, or took a nap? Painted your nails? Can you remember?

I could feel myself burning out very quickly on maternity leave and set the boundary for myself almost immediately. I HAD to do something for myself every day to keep my sanity.

It doesn’t have to be anything fancy or expensive, and it doesn’t have to be something you do by yourself either. It can be as simple as enjoying a bowl of your favorite ice cream or going for a family walk. If you have a supportive partner or family member, pass the baby off for a bit while you go get a pedicure or even run some errands alone, and grab an iced coffee while you’re at it. Treat yourself mama! At the end of every day, you should be able to pinpoint something you did for “yourself” that made you happy.

7. Your relationship with your partner will change.

I expected this but didn’t realize HOW much of it would change. Some of the changes have ended up being for the better, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit we have had our struggles since becoming parents. We are both learning as we go since this is new grounds for both of us.

My biggest piece of advice is to communicate with your partner. You can’t read each other’s minds, so you must be vocal! If you’re overwhelmed and feeling like the default parent, if you feel like all the household duties are falling on your shoulders, if you’re touched out and need some space, or even feel like you’ve both been neglecting each other and not prioritizing intimacy or quality time; these are all issues you need to discuss.

Work together to face your issues head on. Be a team. Don’t let you partner feel alone! When we first got married, I used to say marriage isn’t 50/50, it’s 100/100. But I quickly realized that isn’t true. Some days it may be 20/80, or 90/10, or 40/60. It’s okay to have hard days. All that matters is that you are there to support each other and there to pick up the slack when your partner needs it.

I also want to mention that if this is your partner’s first time having a child, it is also an adjustment for them. Give them some grace. Sometimes it doesn’t come naturally to them (and it may not to you either) and that’s ok; don’t assume they know what to do (although don’t leave room for weaponized incompetence). Help them and make them feel confident in themselves and that they are more than qualified to be a parent!

8. Everyone will have advice and opinions on what you are doing, even if you don’t ask for it.

Most of the time it comes from a place of sincerity, and they just want to help or share methods that worked well for them. But other times it can be downright annoying. Especially if the advice is entirely unhelpful or unsafe. I’m sure most of us have experienced alllll sorts.

Sleep when the baby sleeps! People saying you’re not feeding your baby enough, people saying you’re feeding your baby too much. People saying don’t buy that, buy this instead. Give your baby rice cereal at 3 months old so they sleep all night. Put socks on them in July when it’s 100 degrees outside because their feet are cold. If you hold them too much you’ll just spoil them. It goes on, and on, and on!

It is overwhelming. Who do you believe? Who do you listen to? What advice can you trust? Being a first-time mom can make you so unsure of yourself and your parenting capabilities.

Trust your gut. You are doing a great job, even if it doesn’t feel like it some days. Don’t be afraid to accept their suggestions if you feel like they are actually useful, but also don’t be afraid to take the advice with a grain of salt.

9. Make some mom friends.

I will forever be grateful to have had women who experienced pregnancy for the first time right alongside me. There is truly something special about going through the same phases of life together and the bond that it creates. Simply having a friend that you can text during those middle of the night feeds, someone to vent to, or even someone you can reach out to when you are unsure of what to do or what is normal can be so helpful.

I am also so thankful for the other moms who have more experience than me that have taken the time out of their days, whether real life or the mom-friends I have made from blogging, to check up on me and remind me constantly that we are all doing our best. I am so incredibly thankful for all of you and always hope I can provide the same kind of support to other first-time moms.

10. Soak it in and do everything possible to remember it because they grow so fast.

People may tell you this, but it’s so true. Make a baby book. Document the moments and the milestones. Heck, buy a tripod and have some fun photoshoots! Ask people to take pictures of you and your baby. Go have all the fun experiences, because even though your baby probably won’t remember them, YOU will.
Before you know it, those wrinkly newborns turn into curious 3-month-olds. Then playful 6-month-olds. Then adventurous 9-month-olds. And suddenly, you have a walking, talking, rambunctious toddler! How did that happen?! You swear they were just born!!

Even on the hard days, I promise you’ll look back and miss it. So take a deep breath and take it all in.

Being a first-time mama is hard…but it’s worth it. And I hope you know; you’re doing a great job. Nobody is a better mommy for your baby than you.

Keep it up!